iPhone Review: MeatStroke

Before you begin to read this review, I’d like to let you know you shouldn’t read the review. Instead you should buy this game. This great and glorious game given to us by the great holy meatgods, which allows to pretend that every day, is meat day. Since you’ve already gone and bought this mighty piece of meat, for only 59p (introductory price, for a short time only!) hit the jump and rejoice with me on the great features of this great game.

Firstly, you shouldn’t have hit the jump. That hurt him, and now he is sad. Secondly, who cares, he’s just a jump.  Thirdly, MEATSTROKE! Let’s look at what makes this such a great game, and because this game is too good for a normal review, it’s bullet point time!

  • It Stars Meatwad

Meatwad, the loveable, great, charming, witty, sexy, genius that is Meatwad is the main character of this game. Meatwad is a character in the cult Adult Swim show Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and he is the best character, because he is a funny little ball of meat who talks, and this is a game where you must protect meatwad from the heat or he does not exist. You get to move the greatest ball of meat ever around? I don’t think a better concept exists.

  • The Gameplay Than The Gameplay Of Your Favourite Game

This might be really hard to believe, but it is the truth. The gameplay is simple. You control Meatwad and tilt the screen to move him around it, and you have to avoid the spiky suns (they are heat. not good for meat!) and aim for the rainy clouds (rain isn’t heat, so is good for meat!). You have to calibrate it which doesn’t even work that well but it’s so good nobody minds! Simple it may sound, but after you EV train your Meatwad and make sure the clouds have the right IVs, you realise that this game has an extra layer of depth nobody was expecting. Not even the developers. Oh and one of the cloud designs is modelled after Carl, another ATHF character who is also the best. Google him.

  • Some Other Stuff.

I just realised that while there are a lot more things which make this game sooperdooper, I can’t really write full paragraphs for each one, so I am going to squeeze it all in here. Like a big ol’ meaty hug. It’s called MeatStroke, and everybody loves stroking meat. the 5% who don’t are liars. It’s got OpenFeint support, which is cool I guess. It is made by the same people who made a BEN FREAKING TEN iPhone game, which you know makes it great, because those devs have history. It plays on ALL iOS devices, unlike silly games like DoDonPachi Resurrection, and finally, because it’s not even that great, I just really really like Meatwad.

And there you have it, the definitive review. To conclude, this game is revolutionary in what it offers. I’d go as far to say it has reinvented the mobile gaming genre completely, and offers an experience unlike no other. I’d like to make it clear that this game isn’t one of those “So bad it’s good” type of deals, like The Room, this is indeed an offering straight from the Meat Gods, in order to show us how bright the future truly is. So please, tonight, Stroke your Meat with me as we play the pinnacle of gaming on the move.

Meat/10

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